Christmas Snowflakes

"Like snowflakes, my Christmas memories gather and dance -- each beautiful, unique and too soon gone."

~Deborah Whipp 

I was raised in California where there is no snow at Christmas time. Or any time for that matter.

My first snowy winter was in 1998 as a missionary for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints in Montreal, Canada.

I love it.

And I hated it. 

I was mesmerized watching the very first few snowflakes land on the windshield.

Their designs were nothing less than magical.

The way they landed then colapsed, then melted into the tiniest drop you've ever seen.

I could have watched them for days.

I remember driving out in the Frozen Quebec countryside and seeing the sun reflect off the snow, creating a glitter effect that seemed too beautiful to be real.

All of a sudden I understood why they always put glitter on snowy Christmas cards.

I was in a winter wonderland.

The bitter cold that came along with the Canadian winters was a shock to my California bones.

I resented the millions of layers of clothing, the clunky boots, shoveling snow off the car 10 times a day and the frozen nose hairs when I tried to breath.

It was unbearably cold.

I have lived in a snowy climate ever since, and I swore I never would.

Just like back then, I have a love/hate relationship with the snow. 

The road we live on is absolutely astonishing when  it snows, nothing less than a scene from a wintry fairyland movie.

I love how excited my kids get when they wake up to newly fallen snow.

I love to see their cute little foot prints trailing our yard.

I love lopsided snowmen with carrot noses in the front yard.

But the cold still gets to me.

But this is my home.

All of my children were born here, they don't know anything else.

Their Christmases are filled with snow and puffy frozen breath and coats that make us all look like the Michelin  Man.

The memories I have of Christmas here mingles with the Christmases of my childhood.

Being at my grandma and grandpa's house on Baker street.

The sweet smell of my grandfather's pipe, his dog, Shiloh, asleep on the end of his recliner.

Spending all day in the kitchen helping grandma make the Christmas feast.

My job was to wash and cut the fresh green beans for her bacon beans.

I also opened cans of olives and pickles and scrubbed and peeled potatoes.

I remember sitting in the living room by the fire opening presents.

The thrill I felt when that one was for me.

Being raised by a single mom, our Christmases were always very frugal.

Grandma made sure we had a good Christmas.

Sweaters, toys, Avon lotion and lip balm.

Oh, to be transported back to that place and time.

To hug my grandpa again.

To wash dishes with my grandma near my side.

Those memories are sweet to me.

I love to make these new memories for my kids, right here.

I hope their Christmas memories are magical.

I hope the memories they are making right here, right now will stay with them their whole lives long, just as mine have.

I hope you all have A magical Christmas filled with love and laughter and peace.

From our family to yours, 

Merry Christmas!!!

I Hope They Know, My Letter to the Families in Conneticut

Like everyone in the country that heard the chilling news of yesterday's tragedy, my heart is sick.

Like all of you, I simply can't comprehend.

I really don't know if anything I have to say can possibly make any sort of difference, yet my heart is so full.

I hope the parents of those tiny angels know that the whole nation is grieving with them.

We see the pictures of your babies and our hearts break and we cry with you.

You are not alone in this.

I hope you know the whole nation was praying for you last night and today and tomorrow and for many days to come. 

The words fell from our lips as tears fell from our eyes.

It was hard for us to breath, too.

I hope you know that I don't pretend to know the depth of your grief and pain, I can only imagine.

Actually, I can't even imagine, I'm sure the reality is more horrific than anything I could ever conjure up.

I hope you know we have all hugged our own children a little tighter today and spoken a little gentler.

I hope you know God has your babies in His arms and they are safe now.

painting by David Bowman

I hope you know that we know you'd rather have them in your own arms and you'll feel that pain everyday for the rest of your life.

I hope you know you have a million shoulders to cry on.

But there's One who wants you to come to Him with your grief and pain, for he's really the only one that can give you peace.

I hope you know that you will be happy in this life again, you will.

You may not think so now, but peace will come in the morning.

 I don't pretend to know when the morning will come, but it will come.

I hope you know that Christmas will take on a new meaning for you.

The birth of that tiny babe, with Him was born the hope of a life yet to be.

He came to heal the broken hearted. 

I hope you know that because of that tiny baby born over 2 millina ago  you can have your babies for eternity, families can be together forever through Heavenly Father's plan.

And in despair I bowed my head: "There is no peace on earth," I said, "For hate is strong and mocks the song Of peace on earth, good will to men."...Then pealed the bells more loud and deep: "God is not dead, nor doth He sleep; The wrong shall fail, the right prevail, With peace on earth, good will to men."         ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Be Still My Soul Hymn

Be still, my soul: the Lord is on thy side.
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change, He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: thy best, thy heavenly Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

Be still, my soul: thy God doth undertake
To guide the future, as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul: the waves and winds still know
His voice Who ruled them while He dwelt below.

Be still, my soul: when dearest friends depart,
And all is darkened in the vale of tears,
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrow and thy fears.
Be still, my soul: thy Jesus can repay
From His own fullness all He takes away.

Be still, my soul: the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord.
When disappointment, grief and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love’s purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: when change and tears are past
All safe and blessèd we shall meet at last.

Be still, my soul: begin the song of praise
On earth, be leaving, to Thy Lord on high;
Acknowledge Him in all thy words and ways,
So shall He view thee with a well pleased eye.
Be still, my soul: the Sun of life divine
Through passing clouds shall but more brightly shine.

To Every Thing There is a Season

Or so The Bible says.

And I full heartily agree.

In a little over a week we will mark the 5th anniversary of the passing of my dear mother-in-law.

Really, she was more like my real mother, but that's another post for another day.

She went back to her maker just a few short days before Christmas.

We buried her the day after.

That was a heavy year.

All of our hearts were filled with incredible sorrow.

The joy of the season was hard to find, but somehow we managed.

The next year took me by surprise. 

It was entirely more difficult than I had expected.

I felt more like crying than laughing the whole season long.

I had not expected that.

I thought that I would have some sad memories, but that for the most part I would be excited for Christmas and all the fun traditions our family enjoyed.

I had to force myself to be cheerful for the children and to carry on the traditions for their sake, because heaven knows if it weren't for them I would have brushed them off entirely.

In fact all of the holiday seasons since then have been difficult for me.

Until this year.

I heard a Christmas song on the radio a few weeks ago and I found myself jamming out, practically dancing in the car at a stoplight.

I was excited to feel the crispness in the air, to see lights appearing on houses, to decorate our home with my children, to make things for them with my own hands.

It occured to me one day that for the first time in years I was excited for the Christmas season.

Truely, deeply excited, all the way down to my toes.

For the first time I wanted to drink everything in, to feel it all and do it all.

It seemed as if the fog had lifted.

"To every thing there is a season and a time to every purpose under the heaven:

A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance"

~Ecclesiastes 3:1&4
I just wish I could have had just a little more time to dance.

Just a few short days after I realized the joy was back in Christmas we got some news that stopped me dead in my tracks.

My most amazing brother-in-law, Brad has been diagnosed with stage IV kidney cancer that has metastasized to his spine and pelvis.

All of a sudden I find myself with only 2 weeks until Christmas and yet again I am feeling the pangs of sorrow and disbelief .

I have taken the children to see the Nutcracker and the lights at Christmas village and even the light parade complete with fireworks.

We have been busily readying for weeks of celebration and fun and once again I feel like the winds have left my sails. We are praying for Brad and nothing less than a miracle will do.

"A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away" 

~ Ecclesiastes 3:6

My prayer is that it's God's will that we keep Brad with us for a good long while, nevertheless, His will be done. At least until he's good and old with many, many children and grandchildren near his side. 

I have prayed this prayer so many times in the last few weeks that my heart aches from praying it. 

As if that were not enough, my sister-in-law, Teresa went in for an appointment with her cardiologist last week and ended up having emergency by pass surgery. They did 6 by passes. I did not even know that was possible.

 Prayers have been answered as Teresa is recovering beautifully. She will get more time to watch her boys grow and to "just keep swimming".

More reasons to dance and to mourn.

But for me the joy is not gone. The wonder on Little M&M's face as she looks at the shining lights of the tree is not lost on me.

The thrill of watching my kids make gifts and secretly hide them away brings that familiar warmth to my heart. 

So with tears in my eyes for a loving Savior who is merciful and kind and so giving, I embrace this wonderful season of birth and life and laughter, right along with the sorrow and pain of it all.

May this season find you all with happy hearts and warm homes.

  

 

The "P" Word

Have you ever taken your child to the doctor because you thought they were dying only to find out it was a hang nail or something similarly lame and of no consequence?

Have you ever walked out of the office thinking, "that guy must think I'm clueless!"

Well, that has happened to me a few times.

Not for a hang nail, per say, but I have felt like a moron leaving the doctor's office on more than one occasion.

My most recent was just a few days ago.

Ever since Doodle started school she has been having horrible pains in her feet and legs.

I waited for it to get better, but instead each day she got a little worse.
It was so bad that when I'd pick her up from school she looked like a cripple girl trying to walk without her crutches.

She said it sent stabbing pains up her legs when she put any pressure on her heal.

The result was a contorted gait that had me panicking.

I was sure she had brain/spinal damage from one of her many horse riding falls.

Or Fibromyalgia, or cerebral palsy.

She was dying a slow, painful death, I was sure of it!

After a few questions and some rubbing of her feet, the doctor gave his diagnosis.

You'll never guess what she has, go ahead, try!

It's a severe case of puberty!

PUBERTY!!!!

WhAt??!??!

What did you just say about my child?

She IS GOING TO DIE, I knew it!
Apparently it's a really common pain for kids starting puberty.

Turns out there's a growth plate in the heal of the foot and her body is literally growing too fast, which in turn places loads of pressure on the joints and tendons near the growth plates.

So ya, I took my child who I thought might die in the night to the doctors office for growing pains.

Mother of the year, right here!

I was so not ready for that diagnosis.

My kids are small, we don't do puberty in this house.

(Although I do have to say that the puberty smell did start a few months back, but I was in denial)

Now I feel like I'm in a roller coaster inching my way up to the top.

You know, that part where you know it's coming and you can feel your stomach in the back of your throat with nervous anticipation.

This is just the beginning. Beano will not be far behind.

What will this ride bring?

I'm sure it will be full of ups and downs and twists and turns, just like any good roller coaster.

I just hope that at the end of the ride we can breath a sigh of relief and say,

 "Wow! What a ride!"

Life is Beautiful

Have you seen this movie?

You must.

I watched it several years ago and I had no clue what it was about.

My sister-in-law had picked our show that evening.

I cried my eyes out, for days after I had seen it.

I am tempted to watch it again, but I don't know if I can bring myself to.

Anyone want to join me for a movie night?

It's on Netflix!

But my point is that life truly can be beautiful, no matter our circumstances. 

It's all about our attitude.

Have you ever heard the saying, "attitude determines altitude"?

So true.

There are so, so, so many things in life that are totally out of our control, yet we always have the power over ourselves to choose how we will react.

And in the end, that's really the only thing that matters.

I'm not sying I'm perfect at this, life is a great big fat lesson on this subject.

It's a good thing He has given us a lifetime to figure it out.

Answered Prayers

When our kids were preschool age and beyond I took them on field trips.

Lots and lots of field trips.

It's the part of homeschooling that I'm really good at.

I can not even remember how many times I've been to the fire station.

I think I've been to 3 different ones over the years, and some more than once.

Most little boys LOVE the fire station and the cool truck and putting on the fireman's gear.

But not little Dubs.

It scared him to death and I think we may have scarred him for life.

His first trip there he was maybe 2 years old.

It put the thought into his wee little head that things catch on fire, buildings catch on fire, homes catch on fire.

Then the though occurred to him that we have a home.

Every since that very first trip to the fire station he has prayed every single night that our house would not catch on fire.

I'm not exaggerating, I'm talking every. single. night. without. fail.

We put the fear into him, what can I say?

But maybe that turned out to be a good thing. 

Rewind almost 20 years.

Mr Bird turned 16 years old and his father gifted him with a very nice (at the time) stereo receiver.

That thing was like the energizer bunny, it kept going and going and going.

And we always found good use for it.

We would plug our ipods and iphone into it and listen to music and books on tape for hours while we scrubbed floors and did dishes and made dinners,

or while we danced around the house with it cranked like lunatics.

Until last week when it finally bit the dust.

Let's just say it left our lives with a bang.

It was Friday night, date night.

As soon as Mr Bird got home from work I jumped in the car to get our baby sitter.

I was gone maybe 20 minutes.

When I finally pulled  into the drive way I was greeted with Doodle streaking out of the house at full speed with M&M in her arms.

"The house is on fire!"

She was headed for our family's designated fire safety spot in the front yard by the crab apple tree.

Before I can register what she is saying, Beano and Little Man streak past me with yelps and hollers.

They, too, were headed for the tree.

Not quite sure what was going on and seeing no smoke I head into the open garage.

(Maybe not the best choice)

Just then Mr Bird came out of the door holding that ever so loved and used receiver way out away from his body and walking  like a zombie.

He just started laughing his nervous I-can't believe-that-just-happened laugh.

He must have seen the question in my eyes because he just started talking.

He had turned the receiver up way loud playing some crazy dance song from his iphone and he and the children were dancing through the house waiting for me to get home.

Then suddenly and without reason the music stopped.

Mr Bird walked over to the receiver to take a look and what do you think he saw?

Yup, you guessed it, Flames shooting out of the thing.

He quickly started pulling wires and cords and got everything unplugged.

The flames almost instantly died out.

He grabbed the thing and ran/zombie walked out of the house with it.

Needless to say, that was the end of the road for our beloved receiver.

Dubs, not missing a beat showed up at my side seconds later.

He wrapped his little arms around my waist and squeezed me like he had not seen me in a decade.

He looked up into my eyes with those gorgeous baby blues all open wide and said, "Mom, Heavenly Father answered our prayers! Our house did not catch on fire!"

How right he was. 

I don't know how many times we have turned that thing on and left the room to fold laundry or get on the computer or even go outside not realizing it's still on. 

Sometimes we'd play a record (yes, we still use vinyl from time to time) and the record would end and no one would notice so the record would just go round and round without any music playing at all, speakers and receiver still on full blast.

What if the seemingly harmless fire had happened when no one was watching?

I don't even want to imagine the different outcome we could have had.

But a little boy prayed, and God answered.

Just like that.

Want to know my favorite part of this story?

M&M's head bouncing along in Doodle's arms, her soft baby hair glowing in the evening light.

It means that Doodle would have saved her little sister even though I had not been there.

To a mom, there is no assurance better than to know they would have saved the baby.

 

A New Adventure

Our little family is embarking on a brand new journey.

A new chapter in our lives.

I enrolled the two oldest in the charter school just down the road.

It has been 3 days for Beano and 2 for Doodle.

This has been the hardest thing I have ever done.

I can't stop crying my eyes out.

I see random people that I know and I tell them our news and I just start crying, I look like such a sissy.

 It was a choice about a year in the making.

As a home school mom I constantly worry that my kids are getting the education and enrichment they need.

It came to a point that I was struggling balancing the toddler and younger grade things with Little Man and Dubs, while keeping Doodle and Beano on track, they are at such different levels in their education.

I found that Little Man and Dubs were constantly getting the short end of the stick.

Amazingly the charter school just happened to have one 3rd grade spot left and one for Doodle in 5th grade, too.

Answer to prayer? I think so!

From a home school mind set it's hard not to feel like a failure.

I find myself constantly going back to the feelings of peace and clarity I had and the whispers in my mind that I received. 

But, man, I miss my kids in a bad, bad way.

They have become my best friends and I love being with them and watching them grow into the people that they are.

I will not bore you with all the details, but rather the things I have already learned from this new start.

• I am a home schooler, through and through. I doubt very seriously this will last longer than one year.
• I value different things in education than most people (like free time to read what interests the child and music and running around outside with little brothers and a baby girl tagging behind), and that's OK.
• Test scores can be valuable information, but they could never  accurately evaluate character or perseverance or 'heart'. (P.S. My kids have always tested in the 90th percentile, that's not just a cop out for low test scores)  :)
• I have learned that I love home school more than I thought I did. Why is it that I didn't appreciate it enough until now? Maybe that's one of the answers to prayers that I needed. I needed to be shown just how much I love it and how much a part of my life it is.
• My kids are so, so smart (I already knew that one).
• My kids can do hard things. I don't think I've ever been prouder of them, especially Doodle, for being so brave, even though her first day was so, so hard for her. I think they needed to know that they can do hard things without me right by their side the whole time.
• I am so grateful already for the time I am getting to read the little books again that I read to Doodle and Beano when they were little to Dubs (who was there but does not remember any of them) and Little Man. I forgot how much I love Winnie the Pooh and Mr Popper's Penguins and story time at the library. We spend almost 2 hours a day snuggling on the couch reading, even baby girl sits with us the entire time and listens quietly (as long as she has her blankie to snuggle). It's is the cutest thing you have ever seen.
• I don't have any more free time by having them gone because I am still home schooling and cleaning and cooking. But now I get the joys of home work as an added bonus! 
• Beano LOVES school, it was love at first sight. He started the Friday before Labor Day and wanted to go back every day until it was finally Tuesday. I learned that my sweet boy will be happy no matter where he is.
• We are in this for the year, committed 100%. After that, we'll see what new adventures lie on the horizon.
• School is not bad and I am not a failure. Although I never did think school was bad, I know a few home schoolers who do. In fact, elementary school is enjoyable for the kids, except for math if you're Doodle. But she never did like it at home either.
• Too often I underestimate myself. Why?
• Change is hard (again, just reinforcing already known facts). After the initial shock of things, we will find a groove and we will thrive!