Monday, November 9, 2009


I heard Christmas Music on the radio today.
The holiday season is upon us.
It used to be that the first Christmas song on the radio was a celebration.
It brought happiness and peace to my soul and made the whole world feel right.
Now when I hear those same sweet tunes part of me aches.
December 19, 2007 my mother-in-law passed away, just 9 days after Baby Cakes was born.
Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.
The whole holiday season was rough that year. She had been sick long before Thanksgiving.
We buried her the day after Christmas.
We heard songs like Oh Holy Night and What Child is This on the radio on the way to the cemetery.
We tried so hard to celebrate that year, but no one really felt much like celebrating.
All we could do was turn on the radio.
Those songs were playing during, hands down, the saddest, hardest days of my life.
Now whenever I hear them I hear the memory of that mourning.
Last year was no easier. The pain of just one ever so brief year gone by was still so strong.
As the holidays grew near the whole family just wanted to hibernate, how could we have a normal holiday season without her?
It did not seem real or possible.
Last year was so bitter sweet.
The songs were laced with sadness once again.
I long to hear the music the way I did before.
I want to hear the joy, but somehow it has gotten lost behind the sadness.
How do I get past this?
I want to love the Holidays again.
I want to hear the music and get excited about Christmas trees and eggnog and lights and snow and Santa cookies and mistletoe.
I want to hear the laughter again, my own laughter and I want to play with my kids and anticipate that wondrous day.
I want to feel the peace of the Savior on the anniversary of His birth.
I have had lots of realizations lately.
One of which is that Christ will not rescue us from our problems and fears and hurts.
But He will help us through them.
He will take our hands and hearts if we let Him and stay with us while we go through the hard times. He does not promise us a struggle free life, but He does promise His peace during those struggles.
This year I will celebrate. I will celebrate the love of a wondrous Savior.
I will celebrate the love and life of a mother who accepted me and loved me like one of her own.
I will celebrate tiny hands and sweet babies.
I will see the magic of Christmas through my children's eyes.
I will let Christ heal my heart and make this part of me whole again.
I will love those around me more fully.
I will carry on traditions and keep my dear sweet mother-in-law a part of our memories and celebrations.
I will celebrate and laugh and sing.
I will sing those songs and I will let the melodies and sweet messages penetrate my heart once again.
I will let the warmth of the season heal my soul.

Where Are You Christmas by Faith Hill

Where are you Christmas
Why can't I find you
Why have you gone away
Where is the laughter
You used to bring me
Why can't I hear music play

My world is changing
I'm rearranging
Does that mean Christmas changes too

Where are you Christmas
Do you remember
The one you used to know
I'm not the same one
See what the time's done
Is that why you have let me go

Christmas is here
Everywhere, oh
Christmas is here
If you care, oh

If there is love in your heart and your mind
You will feel like Christmas all the time

I feel you Christmas
I know I've found you
You never fade away
The joy of Christmas
Stays here inside us
Fills each and every heart with love

Where are you Christmas
Fill your heart with love

This year I will let Christmas fill my heart with love once again!


Karen said...

I love that Faith Hill song.

I think when times are difficult like this, it's just important to remember that our Savior's birth, life and death make it possible for us to be together again after we've finished this test. I honestly don't know how people survive difficulties and tragedies without having faith in the Lord and a knowledge of the Plan.

Viki said...

I think you will honor your mother-in-law by remembering her and remembering she would want you to enjoy Christmas. You can do it, have the faith.

Shar said...

Love ya Sara! This reminds me of a Tennyson poem:

With trembling fingers did we weave
The holly round the Christmas hearth;
A rainy cloud possess’d the earth,
And sadly fell our Christmas-eve.

At our old pastimes in the hall
We gambol’d, making vain pretence
Of gladness, with an awful sense
Of one mute Shadow watching all.

We paused: the winds were in the beech:
We heard them sweep the winter land;
And in a circle hand-in-hand
Sat silent, looking each at each.

Then echo-like our voices rang;
We sung, tho’ every eye was dim,
A merry song we sang with him
Last year: impetuously we sang:

We ceased: a gentler feeling crept
Upon us: surely rest is meet:
‘They rest,’ we said, ‘their sleep is sweet,’
And silence follow’d, and we wept.

Our voices took a higher range;
Once more we sang: ‘They do not die
Nor lose their mortal sympathy,
Nor change to us, although they change;

‘Rapt from the fickle and the frail
With gather’d power, yet the same,
Pierces the keen seraphic flame
From orb to orb, from veil to veil.’

Rise, happy morn, rise, holy morn,
Draw forth the cheerful day from night:
O Father, touch the east, and light
The light that shone when Hope was born.