My Aching Heart

Lately my heart aches more that it ever has my whole entire life.
I can hardly stand it any more.
(This is where I start whining...again.)

Anytime I eat, the pain starts filtering in.
It's just one little twinge of pain to begin with.
Then the pain spreads.
Soon my whole chest feels as though it is on fire.
It hurts to breath, let alone hold myself upright.
I guess it's the pregnancy heartburn.
I don't remember it being this bad with any of my other children, especially this early in the pregnancy.
But I'm trying to be optimistic here.
So maybe this is really a good thing.
The heartburn makes sure I don't ever over eat.
The heartburn hates sweets, of any kind.
This is the first time in my life that I could (and do) pass on chocolate (but only sometimes).
Plus it makes sure I don't eat any scrap of food after 7pm.
Night time snacking has vanished for me.
The good news? Perhaps I will not gain 500 pounds before this little one makes its grand entrance into the world.
So I want to know, if I'm not eating pounds of chocolate by the week, why are my cheeks growing disproportionately large (both pair)!

My Obsession

Can you tell I'm obsessed about this baby's gender?

Well, I am.
I have looked into every old wives tale in the book.
The Chinese calendar says it's a girl.
Did you even know the Chinese have a calendar to predict the baby's gender?
I guess if there's anyone more obsessed with gender, it would be the Chinese.
It calculates the mothers age at conception and the lunar month during which she conceived.
See?
Makes total sense to me.
But then I have friends who practice foot zoning (don't ask).
One of them looked at my ankles and told me it was a boy.
Then there are all the online quizzes.
Take your wedding ring and dangle it with a piece of thread over you belly.
If it swings in a circle, you are having a girl, but if it swings back and forth it's a boy.
Yes, I actually did this!
The verdict?
Both.
I did it more than once to be sure of the results and it was different every single time.
If the heart rate is over 140 it's a girl.
At my last check up the baby's heart was going faster than Speedy Gonzalez.
At a whopping 160 it must be a girl, right?
Then there's the whole if you're carrying high it's a girl, but if the baby is really low it's a boy.
I have all kinds of issues with this one.
How can you tell if you're carrying low or if your uterus is just sagging to your knees (along with everything else) because this is your 5th child?
So ya, I'm low. I guess it must be a boy.
There is even a question about the hue of your urine.
Huh?
I really did not know how to answer that one.
I guess it depends on how much I've had to drink that day.
I love the question about if you feel more attractive or less during the pregnancy.
I actually laughed out loud.
There's an old wives tale that says it's a girl if you look less attractive because the little girl steals her mothers beauty.
Really?
Are they serious?
If that's the case I must have 5 girls stuffed in there.
I look tired and puffy all the time.
I don't even look good with makeup on anymore.
Forget about even having the energy or desire to put makeup on.
My cheeks are starting to look like a Cabbage Patch doll.
And it's only going to get worse during the next 17 weeks.
I always look like an over stuffed turkey by the time the baby comes.
Even with my boys.
Then there are questions about position and the type of undies the father sports.
yada, yada, yada.
At the end of the quiz the all knowing world wide web gave me a 67% chance of having a girl.
Pretty funny considering that just the fact that I'm pregnant, I already have a 50% chance of having a girl.
Not that convincing if you ask me.

Long story short, I can't believe any of it.
I do, however, have an appointment for my very last ultrasound of the entire pregnancy tomorrow morning.
The fact that an ultrasound tech will be looking directly at my little one and all it's little systems is making me antsy.
She will know my baby's gender.
SHE WILL KNOW!
No guess work, it'll all be in black and white, clear as night and day right in front of her face.
It is going to take all the will power in the universe for me to not peak.
Darn you Mr Bird and that stupid agreement!!!
What was I thinking?
I have talked to lot of women who have decided to not find out what they were having and they tell me how much fun it is.
I think they mean it's fun AFTER the baby gets here.
Because honestly, the waiting may just kill me.
One of them never found out with any of her children (she has 5) and said you could not pay her to find out, she likes the surprise.
Well, I've got news for you Mr Bird, I AM NOT THAT WOMAN!

Nevertheless, I am a woman of my word.
(maybe)

It's a Funny Thing

Time, it's a funny thing.
Sometimes it seems as if life is zooming by at break neck speeds.
You look at your baby girl and realize she has been here nearly 9 whole years.
That's more than twice as long as high school.
And high school seemed to last FOREVER.
Yet, those 9 years seem to have gone by in the blink of an eye.
Some weeks have barley begun before you are in the weekend again, regardless of weather or not you got all of the items on your to do list completed.
Then there are weeks that drag by, every hour seems to last a whole day.
Then there is pregnancy time.
It's a whole other ball game.
In "normal life" time 18 weeks would fly by and spring would be here tomorrow.
But in pregnancy time 18 weeks may as well be 18 years.
I feel like this baby is never going to be born, like it's just some sort of fantasy.
I feel like the weeks take years, slowly ticking away.
I kept thinking the holidays would speed things up and that Christmas would be here before I could blink, but not this year.
Time is like slow, sticky molasses to me right now.
I suppose I should just enjoy it for once.
I should just enjoy my kids right here where they are and be glad they are not growing so fast, at least for the next 18 weeks that this time warp lasts.
Because we all know that once pregnancy time is over, the post pregnancy time flies by at triple speed.
Before you can even take a hot shower you look down and you have a 1 year old.
Time, it's a funny, funny thing.
And this week, it's torturing me! I hope I can keep my sanity for the next 18 painful, deliriously slow weeks.

True Confessions of a Stay At Home Mom

• When the boys are driving me nuts and I don't have anything else for them to do I put them in the tub, just to get them out of my hair (plus they can always use a bath!)
• I have a secret chocolate stash that the kids have no idea even exists
• Plus every time I go grocery shopping with out any kids I buy a candy bar or some other treat and eat it all on the drive home, then I hide the evidence
  
• My favorite lunch is cranberry pecan salad with feta cheese (even though I'm not supposed to eat soft cheese while I'm prego)
• Sometimes my kids make me laugh so hard I pee a little in my pants (darn pregnancy bladder)
• I wait until I have a huge mountain of laundry before they get folded and put away
• When Mr Bird gets home from work I am more than happy to let the kids torment him the rest of the evening
• What would I do without Mr Bird
• Sometimes I take my kids to the library for chess club just so I can see that other people really exist
  
• I secretly like it when I see other people's children being naughty in public
• Mine are never naughty in public, only at home (hahahahaahahaha, I kill myself)
  
• Park days save my sanity (it's going to be a very, very long winter)
• Every time I get pregnant inside I am so excited that I don't have to watch my weight (at least for a few months)
• My desk is the messiest place in the whole house
• I need to stop telling all my deep dark secrets
• Truth is, I love being a mom, wholes in the couch and all!
  

The Calm After the Storm

We all survived the couch incident.
After a few hours to cool off and time to re-asses the damage and reading the sage words of advise from my wonderful blogosphere friends, I realized it was not the end of the world after all.
Beano has been justly dealt with.
We had a nice long talk about taking care of the things God has given us and just what it takes to get those nice things.
There were strict consequences put in place.
Long term consequences.
The damage will not just disappear.
We will not cart away the damaged couch and magically replace it with a new one.
We want him to know that his choices have permanent consequences.
This will not just go away just because we throw some money at it.
So, we have opted to repair the damage the best we can and live with a scarred couch.
Plus what's the point of getting nice couches when the kids are still little? There will be plenty of time for that when the kids are much, much older and more responsible. So what if that's still 15+ years away!
Mr Bird and I hugged Beano and told him that we still love him.
He is after all, our only little Beano.
During the whole thing Beano did feel really bad.
He looked like he wanted to cry.
My heart just about broke for him.
Then I started crying again.
These pregnancy hormones have got to give it a rest already!

Multiple Choice

What would you do if your 7 year old Heathen did this to your leather couch?

a. Beat him to a pulp
b. Put him in time out for the rest of his life
c. Scream at him until you're blue in the face
d. Lock yourself in your bedroom and cry like a baby

While none of these reactions seem rational, a part of me wanted to do all of the above.
But instead I chose d
Then I called Mr Bird for his counsel.
He told me not to let my pregnancy hormones get too out of control (as I sobbed into his ear piece) and we'd talk to Beano when he got home from work.
So for now he knows something is coming, he just doesn't know what yet.
And quite frankly, neither do I.
How is a parent to respond?
I know it's only a couch, but come on, in reality it is a big deal.
The tear is right on the middle cushion, when we sit on it now it will only stretch and get worse.
Then it's only a matter of time before little fingers start pulling at the exposed stuffing.
It's ruined, completely worthless now, the whole couch.
And what do you do when it's a part of a 4 piece set.
Basically the whole living room set is ruined, totally destroyed.
I can not be the only person in this house trying to take care of our things.
Don't even get me started about what they did on Saturday concerning a box of apples.
I don't want to live in a dump (I had enough of that as a child), but it seems like everyday our kids are trying their darndest to destroy everything we own.
OK, I may be letting my emotions get the best of me and I may be exaggerating just a little.
But really, how am I supposed to shower without the house falling down around my ears?
What can they demolish in the 30 seconds it takes me to empty my bladder?
I'm afraid to find out.
It's like they wait for the moment my eyes wonder away for 2 seconds and something else is drenched with water or scratched or broken.
I am seriously going to loose it.
I am even temped to send them to public school just so I can have a moment of peace, not worrying about the house falling to the ground because I decide to check my e-mail, like every other mother in America gets.
Then I could clean my house in the morning and it might stay that way for 4 whole hours.
That is music to my ears right now...

I bet you're wondering what he used to gouge my couch beyond repair?
Yup, that tiny thing.
It's the blade from a hand held pencil sharpener.
Yesterday Doodle was sharpening a pencil and the little screw worked its way out and the blade went flying. We looked high and low, but it was nowhere to be found.
Well, I guess Beano found it this morning.

So, seriously, I need advise.
How is a parent to respond?

p.s. I really am temped to drive them to the local elementary school in the morning and enroll them all. Please, someone talk me out of it!

In Every Way

Mr Bird has an entourage.
The very moment he walks in the door he has four little monsters nipping at his heals.
Of course we all know that dad is way cooler than mom, any day of the week.

After all, when was the last time mom took apart her bike and put on new components in the middle of the living room?
Or used a real tool for what it was intended for?
Or used the 12+ year old mission bike for things like grueling mountain bike trails?
Or even knew the first thing about mountain biking?

When Mr Bird goes on a bike ride he is so good to take the kids (the ones who can ride well) with him.
They worship him for that.
That is way more fun than learning math facts and practicing writing.
Why is that the dads get the fun part of parenthood?
I help them with chores and clean their bums and teach them boring stuff like how to read and how America came to be.
I make them clean up their messes and disciple them all day long.
With me they learn to fold laundry and vacuum the floor and to be nice.

With dad it's watching a movie or going on a bike ride or doggy piles on the floor or dancing to the music turned up too loud.
It's no wonder they want to be like him in every way.
You know what? I do too.
He's a pretty cool guy, sure do love him for the wonderful father he is.
I love that we all look forward to him coming home from work every night.
I love that he acts surprised when the kids try to jump out and scare him every. single. night.
I love that he always has a huge hug for all the kids and how he makes each of them feel so special.
I love how he leads our home in love and respect.
I love that he eats my attempts at healthy dinners even when they don't turn out so well.
I love that he loves me.
Plus he's always such an inspiration to me, I feel like he is always lifting me up, helping to make me a better mother and wife.
Call it the pregnancy hormones making this one so corny, but I seriously don't know what I'd ever do without my lover.
So Mr Bird, this day in November, I am oh so very thankful for YOU!